ARABELLA WEIR

Hello, I’m Laura Shavin, and this is The Offcuts Drawer. Welcome to The Offcuts Drawer, the show that looks inside a writer’s bottom drawer to find the bits of work they never finished, had rejected, or couldn’t quite find a home for. We bring them to life, hear the stories behind them, and learn how these random pieces of creativity paved the way to subsequent success. My guest this week is writer and actress Arabella Weir. Arabella first came to public attention in the 1990s as a member of the cult sketch comedy, The Fast Show, where her memorable characters included Insecure Woman, whose catchphrase, Does My Bum Look Big In This, struck a particular chord with the British public. Since then, she has rarely been out of the spotlight. A novel of the same name became a bestseller and spawned two further novels. She’s also written a trilogy for teenagers and an autobiography called The Real Me Is Thin. She wrote and starred in the TV series Posh Nosh, which paired her with Richard E. Grant, and she is currently playing Beth in the BBC TV comedy Two Doors Down. She’s also been performing her live one-woman show Does My Mum Loom Big In This? around the UK, and once lockdown is lifted, she will hopefully be back out on the road again with it later this year. Arabella Weir, welcome to The Offcut Straw.

Welcome. Isn’t it embarrassing listening to your own lead-in?

Well, I wanted to clear it with you in case I said something that was terribly, terribly incorrect.

No, it all sounds pretty accurate.

Excellent. Well, my first question is usually and will be this time, what does your Offcut Straw look like? What’s the equivalent? Are you very good at keeping hold of your old writing material?

I’m very bad at keeping hold of it on my computer because I’m a bit sort of OCD and I’m constantly deleting emails and thinking, oh, I better delete that file. So I’m very lucky in that my agent has a copy of everything. And as I discovered when you asked me to do this, I have kept a box in my office with a copy of each script, including a script I didn’t write, but someone told me was worth a lot of money, a Doctor Who script of the episode of Doctor Who that I was in. And so, no, I’m not very good because once something has been rejected or kind of not flown, you know, namely no one’s bought it, you kind of, it feels to me like it’s got a slightly bad smell. And then you go, oh, don’t be the wanker that hangs on to the kind of, has anyone seen my hot pants that I looked so bad in? You feel like, you know, when people go, no, they were terrible. Don’t ever wear those hot pants again. So it feels a bit like you’re going, oh, I’m going to trot out that script nobody liked. And so, yes, in fact, there were many more. I could have put, you know, your way, except for they have been deleted forever and there are no copies of them. And I also do think, as you will know better than most, comedy is such a kind of of the moment thing. That doesn’t mean that comedy isn’t funny if you were, you know, Buster Keaton 100 years on or anything. It just means that some stuff you just think, oh, don’t, don’t trot that out again. Anyway.

So let’s get started with your first offcut. Can you tell us what it’s called, what genre it was written for and when you wrote it?

This is called Does My Bum Look Big In This? And it’s a theatre play written around 2001.

Jacqueline Plus casts a limbering up on stage. Jacqueline is at the back trying not to get noticed. We hear Gillian the Nazi’s harsh disembodied voice.

Okay, who hasn’t been here before?

All hands shoot up except Jacqueline’s. She shrinks knowing that she is going to be asked to demonstrate an exercise.

Right, Jacqueline, can you step to the front and show everyone the star jump?

Jacqueline doesn’t respond, studies her feet.

Jacqueline, Jacqueline?

Sorry, what?

Can you come to the front and show us the star jump?

I’m not…

Come on, don’t be shy. We’re all dying to see you.

Jacqueline goes to the front, painfully, reluctantly.

Okay, everyone, just copy Jacqueline.

All right, on the count of three, one, two, three and…

Cue music. Jacqueline star jumps. The others copy her. They start very ragged, but by the fifth or sixth jump are in time with her.

And rest.

Jacqueline talks to the audience.

Don’t worry. I know why she did that. I know what everyone was dying to see. Watch it again.

Okay, everyone, just copy Jacqueline. All right, on the count of three, one, two, three and…

Cue music. Jacqueline does her star jumps, but nobody moves. They’re transfixed by Jacqueline’s bum. Their eyes are glued to it.

It’s my bum, isn’t it? Don’t lie to me. They’re watching my bum. They’re watching that new shelf of fat above my buttocks and below my waist. They’re watching it ooze.

The cast does a synchronized oozing movement.

They’re watching it sink down and spread all over my bum.

The cast does a synchronized sinking and spreading.

I was waving down a taxi the other day.

The cast does synchronized waving down of a taxi.

And I got in the cab, and I sat down, and the shelf of fat on my upper arm was still shuddering.

The cast does synchronized shuddering with their whole bodies.

When will it end?

And rest.

See you next week.

While the rest of the cast disappear, two of them, mother and father, advance towards Jacqueline and stand over her.

It’s not my fault, of course. I had the worst possible start in life. I had a mother and a father.

So, a theatre play. Tell us more about that.

Yes.

I’m a little bit stunned by that. Is that not how you imagined it was going to be?

No, no, no, no, no. I actually found that bit of funny. I was reminded, I haven’t, obviously, I am not a complete narcissist. So, I’m not in the habit of rereading my books or work of any description. So, I’d forgotten quite how sort of neurotic she was, Jacqueline. The book was so successful that I was approached by, I mean, you know, this happens to everybody who writes anything or produces anything that’s very successful. I was approached by producers sort of saying, can you turn this into a play? And with my co-writer, John Cantor, who I wrote Posh Nosh with, we had a sort of stab at it, to him, I have to say a bit more than me. And it never got off the ground. And I’m not sure why. I think, I just had two children in very quick succession. And I think, as is the way with all these things, in my view in life is that you’ve got to have a good idea that has to stand up rather than say, here’s an idea and we’re going to get, I don’t know, Reese Witherspoon to do it. And the moment you go, oh, Reese Witherspoon’s not doing it, they go, oh, it’s a shit idea. Does it mean, so like anything with Reese Witherspoon and it is going to fly because no one’s going to get around the fact that you’ve got Reese Witherspoon in it. Now, before anybody gets excited, I’m not comparing myself to Reese Witherspoon, but the promoters were absolutely saying, you have to be in it and that involved a UK tour. So if memory serves me right, it was, they kind of went, yeah, we’ll do this and that’ll be you touring, you know, in a way that would have made them, I’m sure it would have made me money as well, but let’s not kid ourselves about who was going to make the most money. And that would have been me touring the UK, probably for something like 20 weeks. And I just had two children and it didn’t really fly, but and also, yes, John and I, because I’m, you know, I can’t sort of dismiss his contribution. We were very, what I’ve just said, we both hold to the idea that an idea has to work, not, oh, it works because it’s Arabella doing it. Do you know what I mean? So we both wanted it to be a play that would have flown, had an actress in Australia be doing it.

With the first recast.

Well, yeah, exactly, because otherwise how do you know how good it is if you’re just going, oh, just put anybody from EastEnders in it and it will work. We all know that you can sell a ticket with somebody off EastEnders reading the phone book if they’re currently in EastEnders. And that was very much not what I wanted to do. So anyway, it didn’t sort of die a death more than slightly sort of wilt. But those actors did a good job. That made me laugh that bit. You probably couldn’t say Nazi now, but still.

Let’s go back a little bit further because obviously the title Does My Bum Look Big In This? for the play came from the character’s catchphrase from The Fast Show, which is the character you created, isn’t it? When you first started doing the show, were you brought in as a writer at the beginning or were you the actor and you sort of gradually developed bits and pieces?

More like the latter. What actually happened is I knew Charlie Hickson and Paul Whitehouse from working with Harry on Harry Enfield Show, where they were sort of writers and in Paul’s case, performers, but not, I mean, Charlie’d be in the odd sketch. And then they were talking about this show that they’d had commissioned without Harry, I mean, on their own. And they kind of went, oh, you’re funny. Why don’t you come and do bits in it? But I certainly, it was all very casual. There was certainly no kind of, right, here’s your writing contract and, you know, you will be a writer performer. It was much less kind of formal than that. And then what happened is we did the first series and I was a bit more than, but sort of pretty much girl in sketch that you and I will be very familiar with. Woman in sketch or in the, I’m old enough for it, used to say mum in sketch or, you know, Harry’s girlfriend in sketch. And then we were just wrapping up doing The Fast Show and, you know, the end of the first series. And then we had these days, we had some sort of film left in the camera quite literally. So we decided to kind of do some mucking about and film it. And Paul and Charlie went, why don’t you do someone who’s like you? And I said, what do you mean like me? And they went, oh, you know, always going on about the size of her ass and everything. And I went, I don’t do that. And they went, yeah, you do. So I started sort of mucking about and did, does my bum look big in this? Literally. And if you watch the first series, if you’re a real sort of avid fan, you’ll see me do a tiny bit of it at the end of the first series. And then I applied myself. I remember thinking, you’ve got to stop mucking about. This is your big chance. So I did, I wrote proper sketches for the, you know, with properly written and typed up and, you know, conceived and presented them. And then we filmed them for the second series. And then I remember thinking, nobody in the world is going to get this character because I’m the only person in the world who thinks her whole life would be better if she had a small ass. And then the rest is history, I’m glad to say. But yeah, that’s how she all came about. And then after the third series, a publisher approached me and said, do you think you could write a novel in her voice? And I said, no. And then I thought, oh, God, no, I can’t do that because I’m more gladiatorial now. But in the old days, I used to be more kind of, don’t ask me to do anything because I won’t be able to do it. Because that was my modus operandi at school. You know, it was, set me a task and I will show you how badly I can do this. And that was kind of where I made a name for myself at school. So I’m afraid to say I would approach my career a bit like that as well. So when this publisher said, do you think you can write a book in her voice? I went, absolutely not. How could I write an entire book in that voice? And then a friend of mine actually said, you know, you always do this. You know, you always say, I’m not accepting that challenge. I bet you could write. And to be fair to him, the publisher also was very dogged about it. And then I thought, all right, well, I’ll see if I can do it. And I was able to. So I was very glad I did it.

I am very surprised that you say that your modus operandi was not doing things because Insecure Woman wasn’t the only character you created. There were at least two others that I can think of that were particularly strong, memorable. I’m guessing you were absolutely responsible for creating them.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no. All the characters you see me do where I’m the kind of central character, they’re all me. No offense. You know, the South African makeup lady and the one that is sadly still very apposite is girl who boys can’t hear. They were all mine. No, that’s because that’s what I’m saying. It was suddenly during The Fast Show, I thought don’t coast anymore. This is your chance and this is what you want to do more than anything in the world. So seize the opportunity. Don’t do a kind of, well, you know, here are a couple of sketches. You know, don’t self-sabotage, as I’ve always done. Seize the opportunity and do your best.

Well done for being able to do that. Thank you. Loads of people, they understand that they should do that and then they don’t and they spend their whole lives going, you know what, I should have done, but you literally did the thing.

Well, quite a lot of therapy, quite a lot of therapy and quite a lot of, well, a lot of encouragement from Paul and Charlie, but basically thinking, I think I’d been around for quite a long time by then. I’ve certainly been working for about, I don’t know, certainly over 10, 12 years by then and thinking, you will be a sort of jobbing actor. I didn’t know The Fast Show was going to be so successful, but I did know that I had a chance ahead of me. So here, so I thought, take this chance because you will look back on this and go, oh yeah, well, I was a bit pissed or I didn’t bother or yeah, it was a few sketches, but I was out having fun. Yes.

Right. Well, anyway, let’s move on to your next off cut now. So tell us what this one is.

This is called English Life and it is a pilot for a radio script I wrote in, do you know, I don’t know, but let’s say sort of 10-ish years ago.

So around 2010, 2010, 2009.

2010, 2009. Who says 2009? Me.

I don’t know.

Me, I just did.

Rafe, you’ve been looking after the animals on our estate for over two years.

That’s right. It’s been a real privilege to work with these creatures.

Tell us about our wild boar.

Oh, they’re amazing. They’re truly amazing. I mean, a wild boar sow breeds once a year and the litter is born in the spring, which is just the most beautiful time to be born.

Oh yes, with the lambs and falling in love, etc.

That’s right. They mature at around 18 months, which is something I really admire because I don’t think I really matured till I was 29 and gave up drinking.

Oh, here we go.

Now, wild boar are a bit like pigs, but they’re not pigs, are they? What would happen if you crossed a boar with a pig?

That’s a really interesting question.

You’d get a big.

Right. I didn’t know they were called that.

What do you give our boar?

Well, apart from, you know, a dose of worm control, I never give any of my animals any kind of drugs. I’ve seen what they do to people. Drugs make you think you’re the only person in the world.

Well, that’s right.

And you wouldn’t want a wild boar to think it was the only wild boar in the world because then it wouldn’t breed, would it? And then it would be the only wild boar in the world, personally.

That’s right. It wouldn’t breed and it wouldn’t grow. That’s the thing about drugs. They stop you growing as a boar or as a person.

God, how depressing can you get?

Drugs are depressing. You’re right. I’ve learnt so much from these creatures and the way they live their lives. One of the things that’s so inspiring is they live their whole life outdoors.

Oh, yes. That’s very good for the complexion, isn’t it? So tell us what you give them to eat.

Well, they forage in the woodland for whatever.

But it’s organic whatever, isn’t it?

And we supplement it with root crops like potatoes and swedes.

Rafe, are you saying you’d like to live your entire life outdoors?

I think it would be an amazing opportunity, yes, but I don’t know if I’d have the inner strength.

Oh, to be honest with you, I’d miss the shops personally.

Well, if you do go native, you’re not pooing all over my estate.

Oh, don’t worry. I’d pick it up. I’d want to. That’s how you keep in touch with yourself.

I don’t want you to pick it up, damn it.

I want you to catch it before it lands. Rafe, obviously you’re coming to our Father’s Day supper.

Tell us what Father’s Day means to you.

Our son Orlando’s the most amazing achievement of my life. And it’s all because I gave up drinking.

Eh?

As soon as I gave up drinking, I was rewarded with a new life. Well, two new lives really, my own and my son’s.

Oh, that’s lovely. I suppose that’s because when you’re drinking, your sperm get a little bit tiddly too, don’t they?

What?

Yes, so they can’t find their way, they keep falling over, lose their little keys to their little front door.

Are you on drugs?

That’s exactly how it feels, Minty.

Yeah. I’m glad you laughed at the same bit, my favourite bit in it as well. Which bit? The bit about the pooing. I chose that bit because those two lines, you’re not pooing on my estate and you’ve got to catch, I want you to catch it before it lands, made me laugh. So I thought I’m using that bit. Anyway, just I’m glad you laughed at that. Anyway, so tell us about this. What was the story of this particular piece of work?

That was a script I wrote with John Cantor because John Cantor and I wrote, and I have to say it was more fun than I’ve ever had in my professional life. We wrote Posh Nosh together and Posh Nosh was my idea. I was watching, I’ve never ever watched cooking shows. I cannot understand why anybody in the world would watch cooking shows. I mean, just cook, don’t fucking watch a show. Anyway, I was watching this and I’d never seen Delia Smith before. Oops, I’m not supposed to say her name. And I just thought, bloody hell, that woman’s been lobotomized. And I thought she was so untv-ish, but it did what cooking shows always make me do, which is think, oh, bloody hell, she can just knock up a risotto in five minutes, whereas for me, it’s hours of sweat and labour, and I never have sort of bataga and all these, you know, recherche things in my fridge. Anyway, so we wrote Posh Nosh, and then we wanted to extend its life.

And Posh Nosh was a tv series, wasn’t it?

It was a tv series that I did with Richard E. Grant, and it was a spoof cookery show. And, oh my god, it was just bliss to do. And Richard played, it was sort of a little bit Fanny and Johnny Craddock. And one of the things we decided was that Richard’s character would be pissed all the time. So then we tried to make it into a radio show, which is, I know, not the normal way around, but we couldn’t get it, we were very bizarrely, we didn’t get it recommissioned on BBC. So we then tried to make it into a radio show, which everyone thought was going to be a slam dunk because it was Richard E. Grant and me, and with Joanna Lumley doing the eye dense, you know, the kind of ads for the posh nosh, in this case, English life products. And it was just when people started, you know, having bespoke picnic baskets and all that yummy mummy, you know, garden trading, cocks and cocks, all those, the white company, all those sort of lifestyle things, the whole kind of, you know, your whole lifestyle will be sort of beige and white. And so we were going to, the whole idea was that we’d create this thing called English Life. And then that was the script for it. And I still think it’s very funny. And I still think they were wrong not to commission it.

And I had a spectacular cast, though, didn’t you?

Well, it was Richard E. Grant, me, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

I think he played Rafe.

And David Tennant and Daisy Haggard were written for it.

Oh, yeah. And sorry. And David played Rafe.

And Daisy played Richard’s sister.

Yes, who was meant to be a sort of one of those, one of those girls usually called, I’m afraid, Arabella. Seeing this, oh, my God, it was like totally amazing because we went to the light at the festival and we stayed in a yurt and we had the best time. And Daisy was absolutely brilliant. Yes, I’d forgotten that it was David. It was Benedict in something else. It was, yeah, my God, what an amazing cast. And they didn’t commission it.

And you had Joanna Lumley in it as well.

Exactly. I hope somebody from Radio 4 is listening to thinking, oh, shit, we missed a chance there. And maybe they can approach us again. Because I’m sure I could get the same cast back.

Sorry to interrupt, but if you’re enjoying the show, please do subscribe to The Offcuts Drawer, give us a five-star rating, leave a review, tell your friends about it. All that stuff’s really important for a brand new podcast like this. And visit offcutsdraw.com for more details about the writers and actors, and to find out about future live shows. Thanks for your support. Now back to the interview. So the Posh Nosh characters, you say, based on a certain TV chef and Fanny and Johnny, because I was wondering, was it based perhaps on your, did you grow up in quite a Posh Nosh kind of family?

Well, I grew up in a hugely, my mother was a phenomenal snob and quite grand. She was Scottish, both my parents were Scottish, but my father came from a very modest background. He was a primary school teacher’s son, but he did very well for himself, mainly thanks to the Second World War, but I don’t think he’d have left Scotland otherwise. But having left Scotland because of the Second World War, he then, as everybody was, joined the forces and was posted to the Middle East and then fell in love with the Middle East, and because of that became a diplomat. But my mother was from a very grand Scottish family, and by the time we were living in London, there were certainly no servants and posh life, but my mother was fantastically snobby about food and people and stuff.

You weren’t doing an impression of her, particularly, were you?

No. The joke there was that my character was supposed to be, as it were, from below stairs, that Richard’s character, who was meant to be genuinely posh, like my mother, had married beneath him because he was, of course, really gay, but needed a kind of nanny character figure in his life. So he has not married my character because she’s his equal, but more because he needs a…

Housekeeper.

Well, a housekeeper. That’s exactly it. And while he goes off and does what he likes with, as it turns out, have the series been made rave. Someone who is his equal, but so no, my character, if anything, I’m playing my granny from Dumfermland, someone who was not new that she wasn’t quite up to others. And I wouldn’t insert myself there. And although my character wasn’t Scottish, she was meant to be the daughter of a publican. My god, that is probably the favourite thing in my life I’ve ever done.

Pochnosh.

Yes, and English life. And I’m going to spit tax about them not commissioning English life. Commission it now, whoever’s listening to this.

Well, I’d say it’s early days. There will be people listening, especially when they hear that the people, you can get attached to it.

Listeners, I can guarantee Richard E. Grant, David Tennant and Daisy Haggard, and if not Daisy, Lady of Your Choice. Actress Lady of Your Choice.

Right. Let’s move on to another offcut. Can you tell us about number three, please?

This is called Goodbye Yellowbit Road, and it was a pilot for a TV sitcom, which again I wrote with John Canter in, oh, I’m going to say about 2008 or nine, around then.

Interior, Paul’s flat, bedroom. The bedroom of a fussily over-decorated flat. Paul is making the bed. He puts an exotic cover over the duvet. He then carefully distributes a number of soft toys along the top of the bed. Paul is a very pretty, flamboyantly dressed 25-year-old. He is unmistakably gay.

Now, Big Ted, you know you can’t sit next to George. You two just squabble. You can sit next to silly Sue. Monkey, you’re in charge.

As Paul debates where to put a rabbit, Susan enters from the en-suite bathroom. She’s in her 30s, neatly dressed, unremarkable woman, much less pretty than Paul. She has a no-nonsense Mary Poppins quality. She wears a work suit.

I’ve left Monkey in charge today.

Well, it is his turn.

Do they know about tonight?

Yes, and they’ve promised to behave.

Susan looks nervous. Don’t worry, Mum and Dad will love you.

Do you think?

Of course. Paul taps his temples with his forefingers. It’s one of Paul and Susan’s shared gestures.

Positive thoughts.

Susan does likewise. Positive thoughts. But Susan still looks worried.

What?

Well, it’s just that… What?

You’ve never introduced them to a girlfriend before.

Oh, girlfriend, boyfriend, what does it matter?

You’re the one, that’s what matters. I am so lucky.

No, I am so lucky.

Oh no, I am so lucky.

No, no, no, I am so lucky.

No, I am so lucky.

No, I am so lucky.

Susan smiles but is a little anxious about the time this is taking.

I don’t want to be late.

OK, but…

Paul steps back, gives her an appraising look, then waggles his index fingers underneath his earlobes. Susan immediately realises she has failed to perfect her outfit.

Which ones?

Oops, heart-shaped box.

Susan takes the earrings out of a heart-shaped box by the bed and gives Paul a genuinely loving look. Paul kisses Susan and covers Rabbit’s eyes to protect it from embarrassment. Paul pops Rabbit down next to Monkey and tells them…

Be good!

So, this is interesting because did I read it on the paper or where did I get this information from? You wrote this for David Tennant. Is that right?

Yes. David is probably one of the first people, obviously only after he became famous and people started paying attention to him. But he’s probably one of the first people, certainly that I know of, that people, the papers would refer to as metrosexual. And, you know, just camp is what they meant. And, of course, David is camp. I mean, but if camp means you’re not, if you’re prepared to wear beautiful suits and beautiful clothes and be nice to women, then so be it. And it just, as I say, John and I wrote that together and we’ve both always been fascinated by, I won’t name them because it’s probably libelous, but when you meet these people or see them on telly and they’re unbelievably camp, and then they say, yes, happily married to Susan or whoever it is for years, you think, what? You can’t be heterosexual. Now that script is probably very dated, although it did make me laugh. And I suppose in a world where people were still feeling the need, and let’s face it, there are plenty out there still, but to sort of pretend to be something they’re not. I mean, we were very much not laughing at Paul’s character there because the idea was that he had been gay, but that he’d fallen in love with a woman.

Right. So he was genuinely bisexual or at this point heterosexual, whatever. At this point, heterosexual.

He wasn’t hiding anything. No, no, no. And he wasn’t pretending he hadn’t been gay. He wasn’t going, oh, I’ve seen the light, now I’m straight. He was just saying, now I’ve fallen in love with Susan. And the jokes that we were making were absolutely not about someone’s sexuality or their choices, but the jokes were about how the people in his life, because his mother was brilliantly played. We did a BBC pilot sitcom reading, which went really, really well, and his mother was absolutely brilliantly played by Anita Dobson. And the joke there was that Anita, her character, was determined to keep him gay because he went to Shirley Bassey concerts with her and went to salsa classes and she was losing him to another woman. And the other joke was that the two gay characters who were still gay, played by Steve Pemberton, and I’m ashamed to say I can’t remember who the other one was, they were all going, you’re not bisexual, you’re having an episode. And so those were the jokes. So even though it may sound dated now, there was never a kind of, isn’t it hilarious that a man is camped?

Isn’t it very on the nose right now with more fluid sexuality and everything, the fact that your character is a modern day 2020 man or 2020 person, should I say?

Yeah, it was more about, as comedy often is, about the people around the central character going, I want you to be something other than you are. And, you know, and their kind of their agenda, their agenda. Thank you very much. I can never not think of Mary Archer when I say that, because do you remember when the fragrant Mary Archer, you have to be a certain age, was asked in court the second time around when they lost, is it not true that you had issued him ultimatums? And Mary Archer said, I am not in the habit of issuing ultimata. And I thought, oh, that’s you told. Because, of course, it’s not ultimatums, it’s ultimata. Anyway. But yes, I think now two heterosexual white middle class writers might have a difficulty getting that script away. But again, it was the most fantastic cast. It was Anita Dobson, David Tennant, Olivia Colman, Steve Pemberton. Olivia Colman played Susan.

Wow. OK, well impressed.

Yes, it was. And you know what? I’m going to shame the BBC. It was about to be commissioned. And then someone went, Oh, there’s that program, Rose and whatever it was called. It was an ITV show in it was at the sort of beginning of everyone thinking Alan Davis was the second coming. And I’m not saying Alan’s no good. I’m just saying they commissioning everything that he was in. And he was supposed to be a gay man who’d fallen in love with a woman. And that was called Rose and something. And it was on ITV. And literally the BBC went, Oh, we’re not commissioning this now. And of course, now they’d commission it. But David wasn’t as famous as he now is. And neither was Steve. Anita was.

Or Olivia.

Or Olivia. Yes, quite. So another mistake they made.

Yes.

In my view.

Although I must say, I’m very surprised. Why weren’t you the mum? When I read it, I thought, well, she’s written this part for herself. She’s a very flamboyant character.

First of all, I can’t be David’s mother. Thank you very much.

I didn’t realize it was David’s.

But also, it was very important that she brought with it, and Anita is a bit older than me, she brought with it that kind of fun all the time. Oh, let’s go and get a cocktail. You know, that she brought that kind of fizz with her. And Anita’s got that and I don’t have it. I’m not saying I couldn’t have played it, but Anita, absolutely. The moment she said yes, we were just dancing around the room because we just thought that’s exactly the kind of energy that just that sort of slightly showbiz energy, you know, someone you can absolutely see going to salsa three times a week. And also she was meant to be, the idea was that they were working class. And I don’t think anyone ever looks at me in a million years and thinks I’m an East End working class woman.

Let’s move on to your next off cut, Arabella. What’s this one?

This is called Riverdeep Mountain High and it is a treatment or even a script for a musical based on the songs of the little known Tina Turner. And it must have been around 2004.

Riverdeep Mountain High A proposal for a musical featuring the songs of Tina Turner. First act. Born and raised in the small town of Nutbush, Belle dreams of becoming a famous dancer. She’s young and beautiful. She wants to leave town and make a go of it in the big city. Her ma, Mary, doesn’t want her to go. This is Nutbush, where you go to the store on Friday and church on Sunday. Mary sings Nutbush City Limits. Belle’s younger brother, Matt, not much more than a teenager at this point, doesn’t want Belle to go either. He joins in with his mother singing Nutbush City Limits. The whole community, old and young, eventually join in. Belle joins in too, but giving the song sarcastically, its small townness is exactly why she has to leave. Mary doesn’t see why Belle can’t make a success of herself right here. Belle laughs this suggestion off. She knows that big opportunities are only available in big towns. Mary has lived life in the big city and seen it all. She sings proud Mary. Belle takes over the song when it turns rocky. Mary knows that real values, lasting friendships and relationships are rare in the big city. There’s a boy in Nutbush, Nate. He loves Belle, but believes in her and wants her to pursue her dreams. Belle likes and respects him, but hasn’t fallen in love with him the way he has with her. Nate sings River Deep, Mountain High. Belle duets with him, then leaves. She has to go. Mary is very upset and makes Belle promise to write every week. Belle arrives in the big city and looks for a job. She sees an ad for dancers outside a nightclub. It’s owned by a very attractive but shady guy, Sharky. Sharky tells Belle he thinks she’s very attractive. Belle explains her ambitions. Sharky says he has big connections in the dance world, which he says he’ll use to get Belle a proper dancing job while she works as a dancer in his club. That’s fine with Belle. She knows that everyone starts out at the bottom. Explaining what he needs in the bar, Sharky sings Honky Tonk Woman. Belle learns fast and duets with him. Very soon Belle becomes bowled over by the glamorous Sharky. He’s a big city guy with big city money.

Right. So this was a musical, an idea for a musical based on the life, the songs of Tina Turner. River Deep Mountain High was its name. Clearly this was actually a good idea because Tina, the Tina Turner musical launched a couple of years ago. So you were 14 years ahead of your time.

Yes, but let’s not be in any way kidding ourselves. I’m sure people for as long as she’s been famous have been going, how can we get a musical out of this? But I think what happened, in fact, I know what happened. We Will Rock You was so successful, suddenly everyone went, that’s what we need to do. We need to get every famous artist there ever was and do a musical, if we can, based on their music. And then, of course, what they did was they started contacting the artists. And then I dare say, I don’t know, 50%, I have no idea. That sort of went, no, no, thanks. And then others went, oh, yes, please. And that’s what happened with me. The producers had been in touch with Tina Turner and she said, yes, in principle. And then they asked me to write the treatment. I don’t know why me, but maybe I knew these producers and I’d worked with them a lot. And I was a woman, obviously, and I think they thought that would be the right perspective, as indeed it should have been. And I put quite a lot of work into it. I put a lot of work into it, actually. But I freely admit that it is not my area. And I liked doing it. And obviously I love, well, not obviously, but I do love Tina Turner. But I just couldn’t get, you know, every time we sort of talked about it, I thought, I can’t, I can’t. I mean, I can do the basic story, which I did. But I don’t think I had, well, apart from anything else, I’m not black. So looking back, it probably shouldn’t ever have been me. And she does have a great story. Her own story is a fantastic story.

Have you seen the Tina Turner musical?

You’ll be very surprised to hear I haven’t. I don’t go to musicals much, but I certainly don’t go to musicals based on somebody’s oeuvre. Yeah, it wasn’t a very sort of happy project, and it didn’t really, there was a bit of sort of pushing around the plate for a while, and then it didn’t fly, and quite rightly so, because I don’t think you want a white middle class woman from North London writing Tina Turner’s story.

Well, like you say, it’s better than a white middle class man writing Tina Turner’s story.

That is the only thing that’s better than. And I dare say now, if the producers were doing it again, and I don’t know who wrote the musical, it was successful, wasn’t it? It’s still on.

Yes, it’s still on, yeah. I saw this and I thought, hold on a second, this rings a bell. Did you write the actual musical that’s in the West End? That’s what happened, yeah.

It’s my show. I’m a multimillionaire.

This is just some early notes you scribbled.

Yeah, just some early notes that I knocked out. Yeah, no. It was, I dare say, in many, many draws, in many, many houses around the country, there are people’s proposals for a musical about, insert name, you know, Roger Daltrey, I don’t know, whoever. And yes, that was my attempt at writing one for Tina Turner.

So you haven’t written any other musicals?

That’s absolutely correct, and I think it’s going to stay that way.

But we heard earlier, does my bum look big in this, the theatre play. So you’re not averse to the theatre genre. In fact, you’ve got your one woman show.

And in fact, yeah, as you say, I’ve just been doing and was halted, like many other people, by COVID. I’ve just been doing, I got about a third of the way into my UK tour of my first ever solo show.

First ever?

Does my mum loom big in this? Yes, at my age, my first ever solo show. I think I didn’t have the nerve until now, but also maybe not the material, but I absolutely loved doing it.

Is this you playing you, or do you do characters in it, this sketchy type stuff, or is it just Arabella talking to the audience?

It’s basically all about my mum and her spectacularly appalling attempts at being a parent in the first half. And then in the second half, it’s all about me as a mum and realising that it turns out it’s not that easy. Although, I mean, my mother was like off the scale bad. I mean, not like a mother at all. She literally thought it had nothing to do with her. Eating, being cared for, being protected, just it wasn’t in any way connected to her. Yeah, that’s another story.

That’s extraordinary.

Well, you’ll have to come and see the show, Laura. Yes, I must. When it’s back up and running.

When it’s back on, yes.

Which is supposed to be September this year, but looking more like next year.

So you have managed to reschedule, OK?

Oh yeah, yeah, it’s all rescheduled.

Well, I’ll tell you what, why don’t you introduce your final offcut now?

This is called Stupid Cupid, and it’s a film script that I had commissioned, paid for, or pucker, in 2005, and it was the adaptation of my book of the same name for the movies.

Interior, Priscilla’s house, which is chic bohemian, all Liberty prints and Chinese lacquer. Hat opens a bedroom door and thud. It hits the head of Sam, who was asleep on the floor. He’s hung over and wearing last night’s suit. He has a straggly beard and wild hair. He groans as he hauls himself to his feet.

Sorry.

Oh, you nearly knocked my head off.

It was an accident.

You could have knocked.

It’s my room.

Did we sleep together?

No. Good.

Sam slams the door in her face. Priscilla arrives just in time to nip Hat’s outrage in the bud.

in my room.

Sweetie, you moved out years ago. is going through a rough time, I know. I’m not having that thing at my reception.

That thing is the son of a very good friend.

I just hope you’re not sleeping with him. Oh, Priscilla. I am not. I cannot believe you are sleeping with a tramp.

I am not.

Sleeping with him.

I am not a tramp.

You shut up.

Sam flings open the door.

I am not a tramp.

You’ll have to excuse my niece. Her fiancee has run off. With her brain. That’s a great side with him.

Well, at least he didn’t want you for your body.

For your information, he did not run off. He is having some space.

That happened to my cousin. He ran off six days before the wedding.

This is four. Three. What happened?

He showed up. In a gay bar.

Hat walks off thinking, what a prat.

Hat, come back.

I didn’t want to come anyway.

Priscilla slaps him playfully. Meanwhile, hat flips open her mobile and speed dials.

Jimmy, will you please pick up the stupid phone? I have to pay these people.

So, how far did this script actually get?

Well, it got all the way. I wrote the book, which was quite successful. I say honestly, I mean, it was pretty successful. And the idea was because I don’t think I was married at the time. I can’t remember, but I’d already had my children. And it struck me, and everybody will be familiar with this, that a wedding becomes like a runaway train, no matter how small. In fact, that’s right, I was planning to get married. I already had children. I was in my 40s. I was with the father of the children. And we were just going to get married. But suddenly, everybody in my family had an opinion and you can’t do this, even though we weren’t doing. I was way too old for a kind of, you know, meringue dress and, you know, my auntie doing my whatevers. And yet suddenly had an opinion. And it occurred to me that it was a great comic tool, the idea of a wedding because of the amount of people that feel they have righteous ownership of it rather than the two people getting married. So I came up with this idea, which was loosely based on a true story of someone I knew, whose fiance dumped her a few days before for an epically expensive wedding. And she decided, this was the bit I made up, that she would keep going with the wedding and try to get him back at the same time rather than unravel it, rather than just face the truth. And I do know someone who did that, it wasn’t the husband, she tried to back out, and her parents said, we’ve already paid for the flowers, and they were £6,000. And the parents, instead of going, look, let’s lose the £6,000, they made her go through with it, a big society wedding, and she left him two weeks later. So all these sort of ideas. So anyway, I’d written the book, and then, I can’t remember the name of the production company, but a production company paid me, rather handsomely, those were the days, for the film rights, and part of the deal was that I had to be able to write the script. So I wrote the script, and that I really, really loved doing, and I loved it, yeah. I bought Final Draft, as my father would say, at a normal personal expense, and I really loved doing it, and I still think that would make a great film, because the idea is that she, you know, there’s this runaway train of the wedding, you know, florists, cake makers, dress makers, all going, right, you need to do a fitting, you need to do a last this, and she’s going, I mean, you know, you know very well, Laura, a lot of comedy is to do with sort of anxiety and tragedy and everything, she’s trying to stave off this thing that’s happened, keeping the plates in the air of all the wedding plans and get him back at the same time. So she does a lot of bonkers things to try and get him back at the same time as keeping the wedding going. And meanwhile, get someone to pretend to be him and falls in love with him.

Yes, that was the meet cute we just heard, I believe.

Yeah, I think it was, I mean, you know, maybe rom-coms have had their day. No, never, never. But I think, you know, I’m not one for necessarily saying blowing my own trumpet, but I think it stands up as a concept. Maybe the script wasn’t good enough, I’m prepared to accept that, but the concept I think stands up with the best of them, which is, you know, that is an absolutely classic farce.

Right, well, final question. Having listened to these five bits of writing, is there anything you’ve noticed, anything that surprises you, or obviously there’s a couple that you’d quite, or three of them at least, that you’d like to go back and redevelop, but was there anything that you didn’t expect to hear?

I didn’t expect any of them to still be funny. And I know this is one of those, what do you most like about yourself? Well, it’s probably got to be my fantastic figure, or maybe it’s my amazing face, which I don’t get off and ask, but I think I’m pleased. I’m pleasantly surprised by how funny the ones, most of them still are. And that makes me pleased.

So that sort of reinforces your faith in your ability to write. You were funny then, you’re funny now, sort of thing.

Yes, that’s how I’m going to put it.

Yes.

I was funny then and I’m funny now. Don’t you forget it!

Well, Arabella Weir, it’s been an absolute pleasure to talk to you. Thank you so much for sharing the contents of your Offcuts Drawer with us.

Thank you very much indeed, Laura. It’s been a huge pleasure, as always, to talk about myself.

The Offcuts Drawer was devised and presented by me, Laura Shavin, with thanks to this week’s special guest, Arabella Weir. The Offcuts were performed by Rachel Atkins, Beth Chalmers, Chris Pavlo, Leah Marks, Nigel Pilkington and Keith Wickham and the music was by me. For more details about this episode, visit offcutstraw.com and please do subscribe, rate and review us. Thanks for listening.